Good times, for a change...

When I was a little girl, one day, my aunt and uncle came over, we dont get along that well so we dont get to see them that often. That day they came with my two cousins, we played with my sister's and my dolls and we finished and put them all in their place. As they were leaving, i noticed all my toys and dolls were in the floor of my room, like if someone had been searching for something, I went to tell my mom, my aunt and uncle heard and asked my cousin to empty her pockets right in front of everybody.

They just made her give them back, and say a very forced "I'm sorry," She still took some of them since I couldn't find them, and she showed no regret when they asked her to give them back. I, on the other hand, felt completely terrible. I felt bad because I not only had stopped her from taking them, but exposed her in front of our family. That day was a Saturday, I remember very well because the next day we went to church, and during mass I started sobbing uncontrollably. I felt THAT bad. When my parents asked me why I was crying I told them and I remember my dad telling me "You should not be crying, because did NOTHING wrong." They bought me cotton candy after chruch that day.

This has stayed with me for so long, the mistake was NOT mine. I get so obsessed with things some times and I'm really hard on myself, so I sometimes need someone to tell me I did nothing wrong, there was nothing else that could have been done better.

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I hadn't talked so much about it, but I applied to go on a teacher exchange program with the British Council and the SEP from Mexico. I had all the requirements, I filled out applications, I finally paid and got my college degree for this thing. In February I had an interview and I actually got the job.

I didn't want to talk too much about it because I didn't know exactly where I would be sent, or when I'd leave. They said they would give us more instructions on an email later, I emailed them yesterday because I hadn't recieved anything yet, they now said there was a meeting on Monday, which I didn't assist or watched on a skype conference, and that I had lost my spot completely. Irrevocable, that's the word they used.

Today was supposed to be a happy day, I was supposed to go to a party, a presentation from a soap opera that two of my cousins are in, I even got someone to cover for me at work, but after reading that I couldn't make myself to go.

I've been crying all day and sending emails to every single email in the office that I could find, I'm going to give them a call tomorrow, I got my hopes up SO high.

I often say I want material things, but I can happily live without them. This was something big, something that I really really wanted, something that was going to be for me and only me. (And maybe perhaps the students that I would have gotten, if I actually made an impact in their lives) And now that there are a lot of possibilities that I might NOT go ( I still haven't lost ALL hope, not just yet) I don't know what to do with myself.

I keep repeating to myself what my dad told me that day at chruch I did nothing wrong, the mistake was not mine. And that is the only thing that is going to help me get some sleep tonight.

Depressedly yours,

Gaby



Sexy: I won't use sexy, but "cute" today, so ...Cute: the students in my class today, I often moan and complain about them, but they were the only thing that made me smile today.
Unsexy: Go back and read this whole post.
Song of the day: You get two today; Please, please, please, let me get what I want by the Smiths, I've been singing Morrisey all day and so far it hasn't worked. And Come pick me up by Ryan Adams, this is my song for when I feel down, obviously but for different situations, but still I feel some comfort by listening to it.