I came back home over a month ago.
It's been one of the hardest months of my life. Deception, lies, betrayal, lost. I've kind of accepted it now, but it seems to be a long process.
I might write more often, that always seems to cheer me up.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”
— Chuck Klosterman
— Chuck Klosterman
Saturday, May 14, 2011
love
"I know we all like to think of the heart as the center of the body, but at this moment, every concious part of me is in the hand he holds." - David Levithan
Thursday, March 10, 2011
drained
I talked about my family to my students this week.
How ironic.
I didn't show them many pictures. I said I'm not that sentimental like to carry around things from them. I know assistants who even brought a bit of their mother's perfume and their brother's cologne to be able to smell it and remember them. I said I didn't need any of that stuff. Because I truly believe they are always with me.
My aunt passed away this week.
She was a couple of years younger than my mom. She had been sick for a while but everything was under control when I left. And this was one of my biggest fears coming here.
I begged my sister to tell me if anything happened. To her, to my uncle, to my parents. I knew anything could happen, so I begged to always keep me up to date and be honest. I told her I'd rather know sooner than later.
My aunt had been in the hospital for a week, and even if there were times when it seemed like she was going to get better, she was still pretty sick. I'm just glad she's resting now. I'm also glad my family is better, they looked so worried, they looked tired when I talked to them on skype.
But after talking to them tonight I can see that they're better. I can see that they're at peace. Well it was more like they talked to me cause I couldn't speak, I've been crying all night.
I just wish they know I'd give up everything, I'd give up everything right now just to be able to give them a kiss and a hug.
“We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.” - John Green
How ironic.
I didn't show them many pictures. I said I'm not that sentimental like to carry around things from them. I know assistants who even brought a bit of their mother's perfume and their brother's cologne to be able to smell it and remember them. I said I didn't need any of that stuff. Because I truly believe they are always with me.
My aunt passed away this week.
She was a couple of years younger than my mom. She had been sick for a while but everything was under control when I left. And this was one of my biggest fears coming here.
I begged my sister to tell me if anything happened. To her, to my uncle, to my parents. I knew anything could happen, so I begged to always keep me up to date and be honest. I told her I'd rather know sooner than later.
My aunt had been in the hospital for a week, and even if there were times when it seemed like she was going to get better, she was still pretty sick. I'm just glad she's resting now. I'm also glad my family is better, they looked so worried, they looked tired when I talked to them on skype.
But after talking to them tonight I can see that they're better. I can see that they're at peace. Well it was more like they talked to me cause I couldn't speak, I've been crying all night.
I just wish they know I'd give up everything, I'd give up everything right now just to be able to give them a kiss and a hug.
“We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.” - John Green
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"She's cinematic and I'm a fucking sitcom."
So much has happened since I last wrote here, and I'm only writing right now because I'm trying to avoid planning for tomorrow's class...
We'll start with Christmas... it was nice. We got to hang out and explore around Brum, we got to go to museums and a castle and Shakespeare's birthplace which I totally loved. But I still felt nostalgic, I managed to not cry even when I skyped with my family on the 25th, and they were telling me what they did and the games they played and how even being so far away I was still with them.
Now, New Year's... New Year's was AWESOME. We left for London, packed a bottles of vodka/wine/whisky and headed out to watch the fireworks in front of the Big Ben, i've seen 4th of July parties and I'm sorry America, but the British are better with the fireworks, it was almost ten minutes of them and god, it was lovely. I got to see friends that I hadnt seen since July, after the fireworks we walked around Soho, not being able to go into a bar since we still had the bottles with us so we decided to finish them in a corner, and what better thing to do when you are drunk in a foreign country? that's right, get nostalgic and sing mexican songs at the top of your lungs, we were singing songs I'm even embarrased to admit that i know the words of them, but since we didn't really know anybody there we didn't care. We were a hit, we had spanish/venezuelan/french people coming up to us and asking to get a picture with us, what song was that? what language is it? it was fun. After the drinking and the singing we got into a club only for less than an hour cause they were closing, but we still got to dance to some pretty awesome 70s songs. After that we decided that we were hungry and the only thing open at 5:30am is a McDo so that was our choice, we celebrated New Year's in Mexico (6hourdifference) while eating chips and toasted to the new year with soda. Then headed back to the train station since we were leaving at 10am. London is amazing and I can't wait to go back soon. All in all it was one of the best nights I can remember.
Obviously going around and spending so much money traveling only left me broke. Happy, but still broke. Still, I managed to get myself some new clothes and shoes and bits and things I needed for the house. Oh, and a musical instrument which I'm trying to teach myself how to play it, I figured I needed something to keep me busy in case I got bored, but I still haven't played it much. I'm not telling you what it is cause I've decided that if I don't get to play at least one decent song then I'll sell it before I leave. If I actually manage to get it, then this baby is coming home with me. I need to name it too.
After coming back and starting school again life has been pretty slow and boring. And cold, pretty cold because of the snow. But today, coming back from work, while I was waiting for the bus, I caught a glimpse of the city hall, and I just stood there staring at it for a couple of minutes, with the rain taking away the ice and all the dirt it looked beautiful. That's one of the things I love the most about rain, it cleans everything, it makes it look new, even if it is hundreds of years old.
I'm spending a bunch of time on tumblr. I've been re-watching Everwood since season 1, I plan to continue with this at least until all of my favourite shows start again. I'm planning a trip to York and to the land of the Beatles soon, so that should be fun. I promise I'll be writing about that.
Actually, since we're talking about New Year's, lets take a look at my goals for the past year:
- stay at the hard day's night hotel -- that is if I actually get the FLA job. ---- I HAVEN'T BEEN TO LIVERPOOL... YET.
- learn to play the guitar -- I'm supposed to be calling Alan this week. ---- WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER YOUR TEACHER DROPS YOU INSTEAD OF YOU DROPPING HIM? OH, YEAH, TOTALLY FORGET ABOUT IT AND LET YOUR KICKASS GUITAR GET DIRTY AND RUSTY AND UGLY.
- learn at least a few phrases in korean -- I don't think I'm taking the course. I just dont think I'll be able to afford it for this semester. If I dont get the job I'll most definitely be taking this on June-July. ---- OBVIOUSLY DID NOT MEET THIS ONE, I CAN SAY A COUPLE OF THINGS BUT I'D STILL LOVE TO LEARN IT IN A PROPER COURSE.
- eat at chipotle -- It was almost a punishment to read in HGHoover's blog about the delicious burritos she gets to eat fairly regularly but to actually see her eat one in a video just made me go crazy. I must eat at this place this year. ---- DIDN'T GET TO GO TO CHPOTLE BUT IF IT COUNTS, I DID EAT IN JUST ABOUT EVERY BURRITO STAND I SAW SINCE I GOT HERE, I EVEN GOT A JOB OFFER FROM ONE OF THEM!
- finish the jessica darling series -- i started Second Helpings yesterday :) ---- FINISHED. LOVED THEM. HAVING PANIC ATTACKS FROM NOT HAVING THEM AROUND.
- own a vespa -- this is also in case I dont get the job. My current job is 5-10 min away from my house, and vespa's are cheap, also with the gas, I'll most defnitely won't be using it with this kind of weather tho. ---- LOL NO VESPA.
- more midnight phone calls -- Yes, I'm talking about you. ---- YES, MIDNIGHT CALLS. NOT TO THE PERSON I WAS MAKING THE REFERENCE TO THOUGH.
- go to austin city limits -- again with the big IF. ---- I DIDN'T GO TO THE ACL THIS YEAR CAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY PACKING TO COME TO THE UK. I hope hope hope I can get $50 tickets in February tho.
that was it, in my opinion I didn't do so bad. lol to be fair I did accomplish some things that I had wanted to do since I was little, and I still have this year* to meet the ones that I didn't get to do.
Things I'm looing forward in 2011:
- Visit the Beatles birthplace, visit Austen's birthplace, go to London again.
- Eat some proper mexican food because as much as I love Britain, their food sucks.
- Meet new people.
- Start learning another language.
- Find a job after I'm done with this one.
- Go to more gigs.
- Hug my dog.
Butch is working on a new album, I'm dying to hear that. David Levithan's Dash and Lily's book of dares is out now, I need to read that. Also the Lover's Dictionary is supposed to come out this month here, I can't wait to read it. Oh, and Maureen Johnson's the Last Little Blue Envelope comes out this year. Aaaahh so many books, I might give away all of my clohtes in order to carry all of this back home with me.
Ok, I think that's it for me,
TTFN
sexy: Zooey Deschanel. Okay, I admit it, she is not the best and most amazing actress out there, but she is one of the best singers, I love the style of her music as well as her fashion sense. I can't wait to see her new movie, My Idiot Brother.
unsexy: Guns. And people killing each other. In the words of the brilliant John Green, "It is very sad to me that some people are so intent on leaving their mark on the world that they don’t care if that mark is a scar.”
song of the day: ...I had to think about this one a lot, because since I started watching Everwood I remembered a whole bunch of songs and artist that I had forgotten about, but to share something I just discovered we'll go with... Collisions by Sound of guns.
* and I say this year because according to "our preditions" the world is ending in 2012 XD so good luck with that.
We'll start with Christmas... it was nice. We got to hang out and explore around Brum, we got to go to museums and a castle and Shakespeare's birthplace which I totally loved. But I still felt nostalgic, I managed to not cry even when I skyped with my family on the 25th, and they were telling me what they did and the games they played and how even being so far away I was still with them.
Now, New Year's... New Year's was AWESOME. We left for London, packed a bottles of vodka/wine/whisky and headed out to watch the fireworks in front of the Big Ben, i've seen 4th of July parties and I'm sorry America, but the British are better with the fireworks, it was almost ten minutes of them and god, it was lovely. I got to see friends that I hadnt seen since July, after the fireworks we walked around Soho, not being able to go into a bar since we still had the bottles with us so we decided to finish them in a corner, and what better thing to do when you are drunk in a foreign country? that's right, get nostalgic and sing mexican songs at the top of your lungs, we were singing songs I'm even embarrased to admit that i know the words of them, but since we didn't really know anybody there we didn't care. We were a hit, we had spanish/venezuelan/french people coming up to us and asking to get a picture with us, what song was that? what language is it? it was fun. After the drinking and the singing we got into a club only for less than an hour cause they were closing, but we still got to dance to some pretty awesome 70s songs. After that we decided that we were hungry and the only thing open at 5:30am is a McDo so that was our choice, we celebrated New Year's in Mexico (6hourdifference) while eating chips and toasted to the new year with soda. Then headed back to the train station since we were leaving at 10am. London is amazing and I can't wait to go back soon. All in all it was one of the best nights I can remember.
Obviously going around and spending so much money traveling only left me broke. Happy, but still broke. Still, I managed to get myself some new clothes and shoes and bits and things I needed for the house. Oh, and a musical instrument which I'm trying to teach myself how to play it, I figured I needed something to keep me busy in case I got bored, but I still haven't played it much. I'm not telling you what it is cause I've decided that if I don't get to play at least one decent song then I'll sell it before I leave. If I actually manage to get it, then this baby is coming home with me. I need to name it too.
After coming back and starting school again life has been pretty slow and boring. And cold, pretty cold because of the snow. But today, coming back from work, while I was waiting for the bus, I caught a glimpse of the city hall, and I just stood there staring at it for a couple of minutes, with the rain taking away the ice and all the dirt it looked beautiful. That's one of the things I love the most about rain, it cleans everything, it makes it look new, even if it is hundreds of years old.
I'm spending a bunch of time on tumblr. I've been re-watching Everwood since season 1, I plan to continue with this at least until all of my favourite shows start again. I'm planning a trip to York and to the land of the Beatles soon, so that should be fun. I promise I'll be writing about that.
Actually, since we're talking about New Year's, lets take a look at my goals for the past year:
- stay at the hard day's night hotel -- that is if I actually get the FLA job. ---- I HAVEN'T BEEN TO LIVERPOOL... YET.
- learn to play the guitar -- I'm supposed to be calling Alan this week. ---- WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER YOUR TEACHER DROPS YOU INSTEAD OF YOU DROPPING HIM? OH, YEAH, TOTALLY FORGET ABOUT IT AND LET YOUR KICKASS GUITAR GET DIRTY AND RUSTY AND UGLY.
- learn at least a few phrases in korean -- I don't think I'm taking the course. I just dont think I'll be able to afford it for this semester. If I dont get the job I'll most definitely be taking this on June-July. ---- OBVIOUSLY DID NOT MEET THIS ONE, I CAN SAY A COUPLE OF THINGS BUT I'D STILL LOVE TO LEARN IT IN A PROPER COURSE.
- eat at chipotle -- It was almost a punishment to read in HGHoover's blog about the delicious burritos she gets to eat fairly regularly but to actually see her eat one in a video just made me go crazy. I must eat at this place this year. ---- DIDN'T GET TO GO TO CHPOTLE BUT IF IT COUNTS, I DID EAT IN JUST ABOUT EVERY BURRITO STAND I SAW SINCE I GOT HERE, I EVEN GOT A JOB OFFER FROM ONE OF THEM!
- finish the jessica darling series -- i started Second Helpings yesterday :) ---- FINISHED. LOVED THEM. HAVING PANIC ATTACKS FROM NOT HAVING THEM AROUND.
- own a vespa -- this is also in case I dont get the job. My current job is 5-10 min away from my house, and vespa's are cheap, also with the gas, I'll most defnitely won't be using it with this kind of weather tho. ---- LOL NO VESPA.
- more midnight phone calls -- Yes, I'm talking about you. ---- YES, MIDNIGHT CALLS. NOT TO THE PERSON I WAS MAKING THE REFERENCE TO THOUGH.
- go to austin city limits -- again with the big IF. ---- I DIDN'T GO TO THE ACL THIS YEAR CAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY PACKING TO COME TO THE UK. I hope hope hope I can get $50 tickets in February tho.
that was it, in my opinion I didn't do so bad. lol to be fair I did accomplish some things that I had wanted to do since I was little, and I still have this year* to meet the ones that I didn't get to do.
Things I'm looing forward in 2011:
- Visit the Beatles birthplace, visit Austen's birthplace, go to London again.
- Eat some proper mexican food because as much as I love Britain, their food sucks.
- Meet new people.
- Start learning another language.
- Find a job after I'm done with this one.
- Go to more gigs.
- Hug my dog.
Butch is working on a new album, I'm dying to hear that. David Levithan's Dash and Lily's book of dares is out now, I need to read that. Also the Lover's Dictionary is supposed to come out this month here, I can't wait to read it. Oh, and Maureen Johnson's the Last Little Blue Envelope comes out this year. Aaaahh so many books, I might give away all of my clohtes in order to carry all of this back home with me.
Ok, I think that's it for me,
TTFN
sexy: Zooey Deschanel. Okay, I admit it, she is not the best and most amazing actress out there, but she is one of the best singers, I love the style of her music as well as her fashion sense. I can't wait to see her new movie, My Idiot Brother.
unsexy: Guns. And people killing each other. In the words of the brilliant John Green, "It is very sad to me that some people are so intent on leaving their mark on the world that they don’t care if that mark is a scar.”
song of the day: ...I had to think about this one a lot, because since I started watching Everwood I remembered a whole bunch of songs and artist that I had forgotten about, but to share something I just discovered we'll go with... Collisions by Sound of guns.
* and I say this year because according to "our preditions" the world is ending in 2012 XD so good luck with that.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
"Do genuine kisses exist in a world of plastic mistletoe?"
This Christmas is going to be a weird one, the only thing I know for sure is that I'm gonna be spending it in Brum with a couple of mexicans and any of the brummies who isn't able to get a fly back home. Who knows what's on the menu and won't be getting many presents this year, and with the family away, I just know it won't be the same. I just hope I don't get depressed on Christmas day, that'd be a first.
Anyway, a bit late this year, but this weekend has been the only time I have had free just for me. And I might be doing this to avoid laundry/packing/writing cards/wrapping presents.
Christmas Presents:
Blue Christmas - A Fine Frenzy
Not a big fan, but I really like her voice.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - She & Him
*melts*
Let it snow - Michael Bublè
But as long as you love me so...
A Great Big Sled - The Killers
I wanna roll around like a kid in the snow, I wanna relearn what I already know...
Twelve Days of Christmas - Relient K
but I can bet those are terrible gifts to give...
Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight tonight) - The Ramones
Nice song, for those of you who don't like the cheesy-ness of the holidays.
Santa Claus is coming to town - Sugarcult
He knows when you're awake... I can't be the only one who thinks that's creepy.
I wish it was Christmas today - Julian Casablancas
julian + christmas = love.
Yule Shoot Your Eye Out - Fall Out Boy
Don't come home for Christmas, you're the last thing I wanna see, underneath the Christmas tree...
Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass - All Time Low
when I gave you my heart, you ripped apart, like a wrapping paper trash...
Christmas at 22 - The Wonder Years
we'll find a house party when the bars close. we'll never spend the holidays alone, proving once again that there's a reason my friends still tend to call this place home.
Freezingly yours,
G
xxx
PS. I can't really complain that much, I'll be here for New Year's :D
Hope you have a great one!
Anyway, a bit late this year, but this weekend has been the only time I have had free just for me. And I might be doing this to avoid laundry/packing/writing cards/wrapping presents.
Christmas Presents:
Blue Christmas - A Fine Frenzy
Not a big fan, but I really like her voice.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - She & Him
*melts*
Let it snow - Michael Bublè
But as long as you love me so...
A Great Big Sled - The Killers
I wanna roll around like a kid in the snow, I wanna relearn what I already know...
Twelve Days of Christmas - Relient K
but I can bet those are terrible gifts to give...
Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight tonight) - The Ramones
Nice song, for those of you who don't like the cheesy-ness of the holidays.
Santa Claus is coming to town - Sugarcult
He knows when you're awake... I can't be the only one who thinks that's creepy.
I wish it was Christmas today - Julian Casablancas
julian + christmas = love.
Yule Shoot Your Eye Out - Fall Out Boy
Don't come home for Christmas, you're the last thing I wanna see, underneath the Christmas tree...
Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass - All Time Low
when I gave you my heart, you ripped apart, like a wrapping paper trash...
Christmas at 22 - The Wonder Years
we'll find a house party when the bars close. we'll never spend the holidays alone, proving once again that there's a reason my friends still tend to call this place home.
Freezingly yours,
G
xxx
PS. I can't really complain that much, I'll be here for New Year's :D
Hope you have a great one!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
I have this thing with books.
I have memorized paragraphs from my favorite books, so that when I'm going through something similar in my life, or when a certain aspect of it reminds me of a certain part, I can pick up the book and reread that part. No matter how many times I've read it, I can always find comfort in it.
For me, one of the most difficult things about being away from home is that I'm not able to do that. I'm fully aware that I could not pack an entire library to bring with me, but the fact that I only have 4 (and I recently got 2 of those) books with me is kind of depressing. It's just not enough.
I desperately need to read Sloppy Firsts. I need to read about Jessica getting Marcus "Xmas" card, I need to read about Marcus calling her to tell her he needs "to be consoled" on New Year's Eve. I just NEED to.
I'm supposed to be planning tomorrow's activities but all I can focus is on this. I actually went to Waterstones and whs yesterday to see if they had it, but no, apparently I'm always doomed to live in a country where most people haven't heard of the books that I love. Damn my love for american YA writers!
TTFN
Sexy: Flynn Rider. Have you seen Tangled yet? Disney, I love you.
Unsexy: The french. Enough said.
Song of the day: House Song by the Ministry of Magic. Love it.
---------------------------
ETA: found a part online! not exactly the book, but probably the best next thing:
"Why are you calling?"
Was he calling just to chat? Was he calling for no reason at all? Just because … ?
"Mia broke up with me," Marcus said. "This is a first for me."
My head pounded, knowing that this meant things were about to become a lot more complicated. Or easier. Depending on the way you looked at it.
"She did? When?"
"She mailed me a Merry Christmas-I’m-Breaking-Up-with-You card. I’ll read it to you," he said. He cleared his throat. "Dear Marcus. Merry Christmas. I’m breaking up with you. Mia."
"It does not say that."
"You’re right," he said. "But it would be so classic if it did."
"So why did she break up with you?"
"Well, she said it’s because I’m no fun. I don’t drink or drug anymore, so I’m no fun. I go to AA meetings instead of hanging out, so I’m no fun. And I do homework instead of having sex, so I’m no fun. I guess she wanted to break up with me before New Year’s Eve so she could finally have fun."
I was too busy thinking about him doing homework instead of having sex to reply.
"The reason I’m calling is because I need to spend New Year’s Eve with you."
Need. Not want. Need.
"Why?"
"Can’t you hear the devastation in my voice?"
"No," I said. "You sound holly-jolly to me." He really did.
"It’s all an act," he said. "I need to be consoled."
"By who?"
"By who?" he said, insulted. "By you, of course."
Of course. Consoled. Consolation prize. Runner-up. Second best. Oh, wait. Not sloppy seconds. Sloppy firsts.
"So I’ll see you on New Year’s Eve," he said, hanging up before I could refuse.
For me, one of the most difficult things about being away from home is that I'm not able to do that. I'm fully aware that I could not pack an entire library to bring with me, but the fact that I only have 4 (and I recently got 2 of those) books with me is kind of depressing. It's just not enough.
I desperately need to read Sloppy Firsts. I need to read about Jessica getting Marcus "Xmas" card, I need to read about Marcus calling her to tell her he needs "to be consoled" on New Year's Eve. I just NEED to.
I'm supposed to be planning tomorrow's activities but all I can focus is on this. I actually went to Waterstones and whs yesterday to see if they had it, but no, apparently I'm always doomed to live in a country where most people haven't heard of the books that I love. Damn my love for american YA writers!
TTFN
Sexy: Flynn Rider. Have you seen Tangled yet? Disney, I love you.
Unsexy: The french. Enough said.
Song of the day: House Song by the Ministry of Magic. Love it.
---------------------------
ETA: found a part online! not exactly the book, but probably the best next thing:
"Why are you calling?"
Was he calling just to chat? Was he calling for no reason at all? Just because … ?
"Mia broke up with me," Marcus said. "This is a first for me."
My head pounded, knowing that this meant things were about to become a lot more complicated. Or easier. Depending on the way you looked at it.
"She did? When?"
"She mailed me a Merry Christmas-I’m-Breaking-Up-with-You card. I’ll read it to you," he said. He cleared his throat. "Dear Marcus. Merry Christmas. I’m breaking up with you. Mia."
"It does not say that."
"You’re right," he said. "But it would be so classic if it did."
"So why did she break up with you?"
"Well, she said it’s because I’m no fun. I don’t drink or drug anymore, so I’m no fun. I go to AA meetings instead of hanging out, so I’m no fun. And I do homework instead of having sex, so I’m no fun. I guess she wanted to break up with me before New Year’s Eve so she could finally have fun."
I was too busy thinking about him doing homework instead of having sex to reply.
"The reason I’m calling is because I need to spend New Year’s Eve with you."
Need. Not want. Need.
"Why?"
"Can’t you hear the devastation in my voice?"
"No," I said. "You sound holly-jolly to me." He really did.
"It’s all an act," he said. "I need to be consoled."
"By who?"
"By who?" he said, insulted. "By you, of course."
Of course. Consoled. Consolation prize. Runner-up. Second best. Oh, wait. Not sloppy seconds. Sloppy firsts.
"So I’ll see you on New Year’s Eve," he said, hanging up before I could refuse.
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